Thursday, April 2, 2009

Reese's Puffs Frustration.

If you are somewhat normal, then Reese's Puffs are your favorite cereal. Sometimes you might try to eat cheerios or some other crap in hopes of being "health conscious", but honestly, you know in your heart that if you are having a bad day you will be right back on the Reese's train. And why not? Everyone knows that breakfast is good for you, and everyone knows that chocolate is awesome but frowned upon by a society that wants to ruin everyone's good time. Chocolaty cereal is a gray area that many people would not be able to function without. Sure you have been on this awesome new diet that really really blows, sure you are perfectly happy eating nothing but nasty south beach granola bars, and sure you are starting to really shed off the pounds (2 lbs in case you were wondering) But, you tell yourself that breakfast is the most important meal of the day despite what Dr. Fadkins says, so your back to the old habit of eating candyesque cereal for breakfast. Your stupid diet is over, and you are finnally happy.
Here is my point. None of that was at all relevant to what I am about to say. It probably wasn't even funny like I hoped it would be. Anyways, have you ever wondered whether or not the dark brown Reese's Puffs tasted any different than the light brown ones. I have. In fact, my curiosity was consuming me. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't focus during class, and I was mysteriously out of money. That may of been from all of the crystal meth that I had been doing, but you see what I mean. Anyways my curiosity reached a boiling point. I had to know. It was either do or die. It was game time, so I got three bowls, put Reese's Puffs in one bowl, sorted the puffs by colors into the other bowls, and put milk into the bowls. Basically this was an extremely scientific experiment, which is going to be featured in all of the journals someday. They might even hail me as a genius. Kind of like a cross between Jesus, Karl Marx, and Soulja Boy. Anyways, on to the results. The peanut butter ones tasted like peanut butter, so that was affirming. The problem was that the chocolate ones tasted like a cross between peanut butter and chocolate. WTF!!! Pissing me off, and whatnot. Why the hell would they make one of them a distinct flavor and the other ones a mixed flavor. There are only two flavors. Why would they do that. It makes no sense especially because one of them tastes exclusively like peanut butter. I just don't know what to believe anymore. What kind of world do we live in. If you think that this is outrageous then I encourage you to personally right whatever company makes Reese's Puffs. I probably won't do this, so I am counting on you to carry my weight.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

New Music

I recorded some songs I wrote yesterday.
Check them out,
The first two are original
Another Travelin Song is a cover.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Lets all get a tan.

If there was one thing in this world that I cannot stand whatsoever then that thing would be Rollerblades, but guess what? I am a hateful, spiteful, and evil man who hates everything and would not bat an eye at spraying everything with a thick layer of pessimism. One thing that has recently/(actually my entire life) began to make me angrier than a swarm of killer bees strung out on crystal meth is the tanning bed. I hate the tanning bed. Once more. I hate it.

Its not because of the health worries. I don't care. Go for it. Kill yourself. No Really do it. The thing that really gets me about the tanning bed is the fact that it turns normal good looking girls into tan monsters. Thats right. I would rather you be three thousand pounds overweight than have an insane tanning bed tan in the middle of February. Its unnatural, and I suspect that Satan himself is some how involved in the quest to fry perfectly good skin. If you have brown hair and your skin is darker than your hair you have a problem. If you have blond hair and your hair is darker than your skin then you have cancer.

I am aware that this is probably going to be inflammatory but I am going to say it anyways. Are you ready? If you go to the tanning bed and you get skin cancer all that is is natural selection. Thats right I said it, and right now you are probably offended. Good. Be offended. If you are not offended then I congratulate you on your sanity. Be sane. Sanity is good.

I know I said I wouldn't go into the health aspect, but if I see a girl with a real good fake tan then I use that as an indicator for mental Illness. Moreso than seeing a girl smoking a cigarette or jumping off a building.

I hope you learned your lesson.
I really do.
Until next time,

Monday, March 17, 2008

Dating Advice. Not because I want to give it, but because you need it... bad

Ok lets start this off with a simple statement. Are you ready? If you are reading this blog there is no way you are not single, and your idea of a great Friday night is staying home with your mommy and eating a whole pack of Pepperidge Farm cookies. If you are asking yourself "how did he know?' you are just going to have to trust me. Really. Srously. For real. It was not that hard to deduce.

Lets get down to business. First off this advice is for men. If you are a girl reading this, which I highly doubt, then you are just going to have to suck it up and go read an issue of cosmo or sports illustrated or playgirl or something. First I should explain why I am such an expert. You have never ever been even close to having a girlfriend, and I have had more than seventeen but less than thirty seven. So basically I am an expert.

The most important rule is to trick girls into going on dates with you, and right behind that always trick them into paying. Its really easy for me but for you it will be stupid hard. Anyways the most important thing about dating is first date, first base, second date, second base, etc. If you don't stay on track the girl will think you are not interested and she will tell everyone that you are gay. It happens, every single day. no joke.

Ok, so now you have got your girl and its going well. What next? Your going to want to get her something nice. notice I did not say buy. get is definitely the key word. There are a few ways to go about this. First just try some old fashion shoplifting. Its easy, all you have to do is walk out, but chances are you going to wuss out. If you wuss out you will get caught. so don't. If a rent a cop gives you static just run. If you are unable to run you should hit up the gym or something and then come back to this later. Second just try stealing stuff your girl might like off people you see on the street. I am pretty intimidating so people just give me there stuff half the time, but if you have to fight for it you should probably just run. Its going to be tough explaining to your gal why you got smacked down by a thirteen year old girl. Finally just try breaking and entering. This is probably the easiest. Wait till your parents go out of time and just steal all of your mothers jewelry. Its that easy to get your girlfriend the perfect gift.

Another problem with dating is that sometimes girls like to go to nice places. This would not be a problem if it were not for the fact that nice=expensive, but do not worry because there is an easy way to fund these little excursions. Every time you see your boo just steal a few dollars from her purse. If she asks you about it just give her an attitude and tell her to mind her business. Girls LOVE that.

That brings me to my next point. Never ever ever ever. did you catch that. Never give a girl any respect. They HATE that. The second you show weakness they will take you over and eat you alive. no joke.

Ok, so I have laid out the groundwork, not that it will help you. You are pretty hopeless. In future posts I might provide more specific advice if you guys can master the basics, but I doubt that will ever happen. I hope everything will work out, but if it doesn't then playing World of Warcraft is not so bad.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Vitamin (not) Water

Check this out:
Water is the chemical substance with chemical formula H2O: one molecule of water has two hydrogen atoms covalently bonded to a single oxygen atom.

You think to yourself, But Joooohn!! that definition means that Vitamin Water is not really water, and neither is Protein Water, and neither is LifeWater, and if the big companies say that it is water then I am inclined to believe them. (Run on sentance, but thats ok because that is how you talk.)

And you would be right... Just as much as you would be right if you say Mountain Dew is water. But that is okay. Its okay to be wrong. Really, it is.

Lets look at the ingredients Vitamin Water for a moment:
Vapor distilled, deionized water and/or reverse osmosis water, crystalline fructose, citric acid, vegetable juice (color), ascorbic acid (vitamin C), natural flavor, berry and fruit extracts (acai, blueberry, pomegranate and apple), magnesium lactate (electrolyte), calcium lactate (electrolyte), monopotassium phosphate (electrolyte), niacin (B3), pantothenic acid (B5), pyridoxine hydrochloride (B6), cyanocobalamin (B12)

Wowie Zowie! It looks like there is more than just vitamins and water in that fancy "water of yours" Who would have thought? I did, but you probably didn't. Thats okay. This ingredient list is pretty interesting considering the vitamin water motto "Vitamins+Water is all you need." I am not going to try and dispute this statement for being horrendously inaccurate. Which it is, but I am just going to note that there is more than just vitamins and water in this "drink. In fact, lets break it down there are twelve, count em, twelve ingredients in this little magic potion that are neither vitamins nor water, and only five ingredients that are vitamins and water.

If vitamins and water are all you need then why are there so many fancy extras? I will tell you wise. because that would taste awful, and then you would not buy it. So really their motto should be "Vitamins+Water is all you need if you want a horrible drink", and that is all I have to say about that except for this.

Look at the ingredients in a bottle of Jones Soda:

carbonated water, glucose fructose, natural and artificial flavors, phosphoric acid, sodium benzoate, potassium sorbate.

Take note that there are less non water and vitamins than in vitamin water.

Vitamin water | Every other drink
18 ingredients | 7 ingredients

With all of my watery love,
John Wesely

P.S. Even after writing all this I failed to spell Ingredients correctly even once.