Monday, March 17, 2008

Dating Advice. Not because I want to give it, but because you need it... bad

Ok lets start this off with a simple statement. Are you ready? If you are reading this blog there is no way you are not single, and your idea of a great Friday night is staying home with your mommy and eating a whole pack of Pepperidge Farm cookies. If you are asking yourself "how did he know?' you are just going to have to trust me. Really. Srously. For real. It was not that hard to deduce.

Lets get down to business. First off this advice is for men. If you are a girl reading this, which I highly doubt, then you are just going to have to suck it up and go read an issue of cosmo or sports illustrated or playgirl or something. First I should explain why I am such an expert. You have never ever been even close to having a girlfriend, and I have had more than seventeen but less than thirty seven. So basically I am an expert.

The most important rule is to trick girls into going on dates with you, and right behind that always trick them into paying. Its really easy for me but for you it will be stupid hard. Anyways the most important thing about dating is first date, first base, second date, second base, etc. If you don't stay on track the girl will think you are not interested and she will tell everyone that you are gay. It happens, every single day. no joke.

Ok, so now you have got your girl and its going well. What next? Your going to want to get her something nice. notice I did not say buy. get is definitely the key word. There are a few ways to go about this. First just try some old fashion shoplifting. Its easy, all you have to do is walk out, but chances are you going to wuss out. If you wuss out you will get caught. so don't. If a rent a cop gives you static just run. If you are unable to run you should hit up the gym or something and then come back to this later. Second just try stealing stuff your girl might like off people you see on the street. I am pretty intimidating so people just give me there stuff half the time, but if you have to fight for it you should probably just run. Its going to be tough explaining to your gal why you got smacked down by a thirteen year old girl. Finally just try breaking and entering. This is probably the easiest. Wait till your parents go out of time and just steal all of your mothers jewelry. Its that easy to get your girlfriend the perfect gift.

Another problem with dating is that sometimes girls like to go to nice places. This would not be a problem if it were not for the fact that nice=expensive, but do not worry because there is an easy way to fund these little excursions. Every time you see your boo just steal a few dollars from her purse. If she asks you about it just give her an attitude and tell her to mind her business. Girls LOVE that.

That brings me to my next point. Never ever ever ever. did you catch that. Never give a girl any respect. They HATE that. The second you show weakness they will take you over and eat you alive. no joke.

Ok, so I have laid out the groundwork, not that it will help you. You are pretty hopeless. In future posts I might provide more specific advice if you guys can master the basics, but I doubt that will ever happen. I hope everything will work out, but if it doesn't then playing World of Warcraft is not so bad.


Runfromskunks said...

This is so revealing.

I had no idea that I was crippling my relationship by treating Jenny as an equal.

I'll get her into the kitchen now.

Thanks, JW!

Brian said...

So that's what i've been doing wrong

Tatum said...

I know that's how you snagged me.

I also really enjoy when you crush my self esteem by picking apart how I look.


Drew said...

within an hour of reading this i got laid twice. TWICE